
Co-dependence manifests itself in several stages. The first stage is that of denying reality, which is generally learned from childhood by witnessing repeated denial and lying by omission; the second stage is the control stage, in which an attempt is made to save the addict through control, followed by the phase of accusation, anger, hatred when the change has not occurred, but the co-dependent does not understand that the addict’s power to change is not related to them. The last step is the one in which the co-dependent accepts that their happiness is not dependent on saving the one with whom they find themselves in the dysfunctional relationship.
Explore these stages with the support of a specialist. This article is intended for informational and educational purposes only and does not replace a thorough process of understanding the underlying reasons behind unhealthy relationship dynamics.
Co-dependence can also be interpreted from the perspective of Karpmann’s triangle, the dramatic triangle:
The Saviour – helps and takes responsibility whether the “saved” person wants to be saved or not. The saviour likes to say “Keep calm, I’ll take care of everything”… The savior doesn’t save to do good, but because they feel the need to take care of a dependent creature… and the more dependent, the better.
The persecutor – accuses, attacks, and is angry. The persecutor likes to say “It’s all your fault”.
The Victim – it is said that the “Victim makes the games” because, without them, the Savior and the Persecutor would be unemployed. The victim is looking for three things: someone to hide under, someone else to point the finger at, and to avoid responsibility for their actions. The Victim’s favorite refrain is “Poor me!”
These three roles are taken on by the addict and co-dependent at different times, depending on the situation that causes a role change.
One of the first steps people in a codependent relationship should take is to recognize that there is a problem and address it by seeking professional help. The co-dependent should go to therapy and try to figure out what caused them to engage in the harmful behavior, and the addict should seek help from alcohol or substance abuse professionals.
Communication between two people who have a child-parent or husband-wife relationship often encounters problems that can be solved much more easily than in an addict-co-dependent relationship. The moment one of the people in an unhealthy relationship realizes there is a problem, the road to effective communication begins.
There is an art to communicating with the addict, it’s almost like learning a new language. One of the co-dependent’s first steps is to know exactly what they want to say and to say it extremely clearly. The first “test” is to be honest about the ability and strength to be able to impose sanctions if the addict fails to keep the agreements they make with the co-addict. It all comes down to the credibility of the addict and the co-dependent. And if promises and demands cannot be kept, then the alcoholic/addict will know this and learn to exploit it.
One of the methods by which the addict manages to keep the co-addict hooked is manipulation. The reason addicts are so believable is that when they lie they manage to convince themselves that the lie is the truth. When they are told that their lie has failed, they are likely to become angry, defensive, or punitive in response to this new and uncomfortable situation in which the co-dependent breaks out of his role and it forces the addict to become responsible. These are important boundaries and consequences, set for the co-dependent’s dignity and respect.
Treatment is not the responsibility of the co-dependent. The guilt the co-dependent carries when their loved one is lost to addiction is overwhelming. When they arrive in therapy, co-dependents frequently ask “Will their behavior change if I change?”. There are no right answers, largely because treating the addiction is not the responsibility of the co-dependent. Their role is to love, and encourage treatment while setting healthy boundaries:
“I love you and I’ll take you to therapy any time of the day, but I won’t take you to the dealer’s house, the liquor district, and I won’t give you money.”
“I love you and I want to know how I can help you find the right treatment program for you, but I’m not going to give up who I am for that.”
Agitated, violent reactions, accusations, and excessive control will not bear fruit; arguments with an intoxicated person can degenerate into violence because alcohol weakens the ability to regulate emotions. Moreover, they will push the addict to consume even more. There is no point in communicating with a person who is under the influence. Any discussion with a problematic consumer, to have a positive outcome, must take place when they are not under the influence.
When communicating with an addict it is essential to have good active listening skills, it is important to what an addict says, as well as what their body language transmits:
- Diverting from the topic: turning the topic on the co-dependent, changing the subject, using humor to change the mood.
- Rationalization – Explaining why something that is clearly not ok, is actually ok.
- Minimizing – Comparing to extreme examples, describing how it could be much worse, thus making their abuse “ok” in relation to others.
- Gaslight – psychological means to make the other person doubt their own sanity.
- Avoidance – Pretending not to understand, explaining that “you worry too much”.
- If there is eye contact – they are involved.
- If they look at the floor – possibly they are ashamed.
- If they look at the ceiling – they are exasperated or pretend to be looking for an answer (when in fact they are stalling).
- If they stare blankly – they are no longer present in the conversation.
- A high degree of muscle tension indicates stress and possibly fear. Excessive hand raising shows anxiety and worry.
Regardless of how a conversation ends, the addict should know that the door is open to other discussions in the future, but that there are clear boundaries they need to follow around future conversations (not while intoxicated, no yelling). Addiction is a disease, it is not a lack of love or respect. The behavior is given by addiction and possible conditions associated with addiction: depression, anxiety, borderline, bipolar disorder, disorders that can significantly influence communication, but it does not do so because of the co-dependent; they do however maintain it.
Communication between co-dependent and dependent requires attention and continuous maintenance, all three participants in the dramatic triangle are in a cycle of change and can always return to one of the previously mentioned phases. Either can always regress, and both need to know the signs and strive for a healthy life.